Recently I helped a dear friend attain a restraining order against her estranged husband. It was the third one she received in about a year.. She was scared and shaken. I was happy to be able to be there for her.
Shouldn’t we all know what to do if terror strikes ourselves or our friends?
Here is a basic list of things you can do to protect yourself or one of your sisters:
1. Figure out the issue and the danger. If you need to call the police, then DO. If you have been physically abused, the Police need to know about it. In most domestic abuse situations, the abuser will be arrested on the spot if there is evidence of violence, no matter how small.
2. Go to the Courthouse and file a Restraining Order. At least in Massachusetts, there is a Victim Advocate at every courthouse. Go there first. You can do this with or without your attorney. The Victim Advocate will help you fill out the paperwork. You will need to tell the story of what happened in your own words. Usually, you will need to focus on the event that caused you to go for the order. Do not be vague and DO NOT speak to too many events. Keep it simple and explain the event and why you are afraid. You will be asked to get up in front of the judge and make your case. The judge will read your statement to himself/herself and hear your words. The victim advocate will stand with you before the judge if you want.
3. Enforce the Order. No matter if it’s a phone message through a friend or arriving at your door, the abuser is NOT allowed to bother you. Report any and ALL violations. Most Restraining Orders are good for 10 – 14 days. At that time you will be called back into the courtroom with the abuser (not seated near you of course) to state your case for continuance of the order. This is your chance to explain how long the abuse has been taking place and the seriousness of the abusive behavior. Has the abuser pushed you, hit you, verbally attacked you? This is your chance to let the judge know the horror and unacceptable lifestyle you have been living. Usually the order can be continued for six months to a year.
4. Tell your friends and family what is going on. Do NOT be ashamed of what has transpired. You DO NOT deserve to be treated any way but well and to live a healthy life. Let your circle know how they can help and what is going on with you. Safety in numbers. They will want to stand by you. If the abuser has bullied you not to tell anyone, then that is mental abuse. You are allowed to tell whomever you desire without consequence. Your lawyer might advise you otherwise here, but let her know if you have been bullied.
5. Alert your employer - give them a copy of the Restraining Order. The abuser is not allowed anywhere you are.. period. Your employer should also be aware of what is going on with you – for safety reasons and if you need some time off..
6. If you have a court case already filed against the other party, then use the time wisely that he/she is supposed to leave you alone. File a temporary motion for support, custody, or whatever else you need to survive while things calm down. Use your lawyer and be firm about your needs and lifestyle. Do not be afraid of intervention. The truth can set you free and if the other party is lying about you, then the lies will come out in the wash. Trust me.
7. Playing “Nice” won’t go far – eventually the abuser will use your niceness against you. Don’t trust anyone or anything but your closest friends, family and lawyer. Play hardball and get what you need. No one is going to watch out for you if you don’t. You are your own greatest advocate.
8. Be careful in your behavior and what you say while your court case is being heard, and in the interim between court dates. Say “NO” to drugs and alcohol. Be a good girl for a while.. it will pay off. Take the High Road… Don’t say too much that can be used against you.
If you need any other advice, contact your local district court or police station. There should be battered women’s shelters in your area, or a group of volunteers who work with the court and the police to make sure you are SAFE.
When I needed space and time to think I went to the beach. Where is your favorite Safe Spot?
Please note that I am NOT a lawyer… seek legal counsel if you are truly in danger or need legal advice. Use this as a guide and know that you are not alone.
